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Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Mommy Mojo

Do you ever feel like you lost a little of your mommy mojo?
No get that picture of Austin Powers himself out of your noggin {yeah baby}.
I mean that thing you feel when you can accept the shattered plate that you couldn't keep
spinning, the interruption {to the fifth power} that prevents you from finishing. anything.
The go-with-the-flow, mom-I-want-to-be MOJO.

It's some good stuff.  
Being in that zone is blissful.

Problem is I lost some of mine and I want it back.
The hardest part?  It's right there.  I can feel it.  

How did I lose it you ask?

By assuming responsibility for everything that happens in my life,
and in the lives of my children.
More importantly for assuming that I am the one in control.
{God, did you get that memo?}

By trying to live in the moment so badly because I am reminded how precious this
time is quite often by others, only to feel guilty if the moment was not somehow monumental.
And by being hurt, lately it seems like kind of being a punching bag sometimes,
and no not by my little family of seven.

By expectations, I don't have BABIES anymore so I should be able to do more
{geesh, what IS my problem?}.
By helping someone a ton and being crapped on by their spouse.
{no, I am not a servant girl thank you}.
By not being able to stop my dear, sweet friend from going through a double mastectomy. 
{my heart hurts, I hate you cancer!}.

Today felt like a fail. 
I lost my patience.  again.  again.  
I seriously cleaned out one cabinet when I had set my mind to clean out the kitchen.
I missed something that set us back some financially {ouch}.
I could not keep my insanely bright and sensitive oldest child from his intense feelings.

I.  I.  I.  I.  I. 

Man I stink and I am not trying to humor you.
I really felt like I did all of this.

How does this one sound?

Yes I am supposed to give my children, my husband, my family, and myself, my best.
Thing is, I have defined what is best WRONG.
A woman who holds it all together, all the time, with insane amounts of patience,
self-discipline, self-control, and the ability to do it all.

Yeah, I don't know how I could have thought that was going to work.
Some people say I am a dreamer, well I'm not the only one.

So here is how I want to rewrite the day and reclaim my Mommy Mojo.

I recognized that I lost my patience {even during an intense knock down with PMS},
and I corrected myself and kept correcting myself until I literally thought I would crumble to the ground.
{patience may not be my strong suit but determined and stubborn..oh yeah}

Instead of taking my overly patient and supportive husband for granted,
I thanked him for being him.
After the aforementioned crapped-on experience,
man I am just really lucky to have someone who would not only never treat me that way,
but would not dream of doing that to my friends either.

I sat with my oldest across his bowl of coveted mac n' cheese, out together, just us,
and explained how it stinks sometimes to walk around like your skin is removed and all of your nerves are exposed {my boy loves him some science!}

We talked about how others don't always understand how it is to FEEL everything
because they aren't made by God in the same way we were.  How to save our tears
for the things that really matter because losing jelly beans {him at six} and pencils {me at six} really just don't deserve all of that effort from us.  And more than anything how great it is to have someone who understands.

Tonight, tonight, I will go to bed and forgive myself
and thank God for his grace.

Sleep tight friends,

1 comment:

  1. I can so relate Michelle, I hope you are doing better and your family had a wonderful Easter


I so appreciate your sweet thoughts and thank you for sharing. I always try to reply whether it be to your email or on one of your blog posts! Wishing you a wonder*filled day! Michelle

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